merlyn

 
Auto Dave
I came up with this:

Recently in twin peaks (motto: "you are a flying monkey"), residents reported an outbreak of biscuit case. Perhaps you think there are no biscuit case in twin peaks. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "you are so ugly you'd make a mirror want to break into pieces.!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader gent, whose name can be rearranged to spell "GTEN", although that is not my main point. "gent", by the way, only has the letters "en" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from twin peaks Mayor victo (formally "Mayor victo" and informally "razzy"), biscuit case ranks as a major crisis just behind eyes, nose holes and ear pierce (insert your "two left feet" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between twin peaks government employees:

FIRST TWIN PEAKS EMPLOYEE: "you really think i'll be under your thumb for the rest of my life?"

SECOND TWIN PEAKS EMPLOYEE: "do you still want to celebrate christmas with your family?"

FIRST TWIN PEAKS EMPLOYEE: "oh it's you. why, isn't this my lucky day."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor razzy, and that is: cut off George Steinbrenner's manhood.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's manhood, although it might involve throwing off a cliff Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "doing", and de grace, meaning "nothing". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1) put it in the white house
2) scrub it using zosa

But instead the twin peaks city council (motto: "We'll leave people's money alone and it means no tax deductions. when you pry the wafer out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the biscuit case) will fly soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "your maker's looking for you.".
Speaking of which, "The twin peaks Biscuit case Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
mac [11:55 PM]